Friday, January 29, 2016

We've combed through over eighty Valentine's Day hotel packages and evaluated a select few based on the most important factor: How likely it is to get you laid. Read on for a rigorous assessment of the sexy-time potential.

This Valentine's Day, the discerning traveler has an endless array of romantic hotel getaways to choose from. But as vacation professionals, we here at Travel + Leisure are uniquely qualified to turn a critical eye toward the multitude of choices for holiday romance and relaxation. We know the industry, and more importantly, we have a very particular set of skills that enable us to pinpoint the needs of our readers and find the destinations and deals most likely to meet those needs.

Thus, we've combed through over 80 Valentine's Day hotel packages and evaluated a select few based on the most important factor: How likely it is to get you laid. Read on for a rigorous assessment of the sexy-time potential. Our elite team of judges has come up with a patented scoring system, which translates as follows:

10 = a train going through a tunnel
1 = sitting at home alone Kondoing your sock collection
2-9 = somewhere on the spectrum between the two, IDK, figure it out

Trust us, it's science.

Aria Hotel, Budapest, Hungary

The Aria's Dreams of Love package includes a two-for-one deal: Book two nights and your third is free. Plus you'll enjoy a couples spa treatment, in-room chocolate covered strawberries, and a complimentary bottle of small-batch cabernet sauvignon bottled by Hungarian piano designer Gergely Bogányi.

Our Verdict: 7

Someone turn on the A/C, because nothing gets us hotter than a bargain. If the foreign setting isn't enough to fuel the flames of passion, just lean in close and whisper to your love about those sweet sweet savings and you'll be lapping limited-edition wine off each other's naked bodies in no time. To really spice up your night, try a little role play: If Jason isn't doing it for you, surely "Gergely" could put those nimble pianist fingers to good use and play your body like a Steinway.

Hilton Milwaukee City Center, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

You locked eyes across a crowded biker bar. He said you made his engine rev. Now it's Valentine's Day, and you're looking to celebrate. The Hilton Milwaukee Love the Ride package was made for you. The deal includes a two night stay in one of the hotel's luxury suites, a private tour of the Harley-Davidson Museum, $500 worth of Harley gear, and a Harley-themed in-room surprise amenity. After a weekend celebrating your love of one another and Harley-Davidson brand motorcycles, you'll ride off into the sunset on a brand new, limited edition Harley Davidson Softail Slim S.

Our Verdict: 10 for the couple described above, 3 for everyone else.

Motorcycles are a big part of the aphrodisiac angle here, so if a gleaming Harley doesn't get your loved one's motor running, sexually speaking, this deal probably won't get you much action.

Barnsley Resort, Adairsville, Georgia

The two-night V-Day package at this scenic Blue Ridge retreat includes a four-course dinner, two days of breakfast a deux, chocolate truffles, a horse-drawn carriage ride, and a $100 credit toward spa treatments, dining, or activities. For an extra $195, the Barnsley's on-site Fairy Godmother (no, seriously, that's on her business cards) will outfit your room with chocolate-dipped strawberries, a Barnsley Resort Sherpa blanket, sparkling wine, massage oil, and glittery rose petals scattered on the bed.

Our Verdict: 6

It sounds cozy and romantic enough—the setting is lovely, the rooms well-appointed—but we're docking points for the known libido-killing effects of glitter. On the other hand, if your partner is a crafter and/or recovering club kid with an affinity for sparkle, it could be just the thing to help you seal the deal. And you'll have regular reminders of your romantic weekend as you keep finding stray flakes of glitter in unmentionable places for the next ten years.

Finch Hattons, Tsavo West National Park, Kenya

On top of your run-of-the-mill luxury safari stuff, the Chocoholic Valentine's Day package from Finch Hattons blows last year's Whitman's Sampler out of the water with a selection of chocolates in your suite, chocolate dessert cooking classes, and a Chocoholic's Afternoon Tea that includes enough chocolate fondue, cakes, candies, pastries, and cookies to satisfy even the most experienced chocoholics.

Our Verdict: 8*

Does your loved one have a chocolate addiction? Is he regularly raiding the secret chocolate stash he keeps in an undisclosed location? Acting cagey when you ask what happened to the bag of semisweet morsels you were saving for cookies? Does she wander the streets late at night, searching for her next fix, only to wake up behind the local Rite-Aid with a chocolate-smeared face and a pile of Hershey's wrappers at her feet? Then this is the package for you!

*Under most circumstances a romantic getaway to Kenya is a surefire way to get some action, but we're adjusting the score here based on the high probability of you and/or your partner passing out in a sugar coma midway through the trip.

The Mark Hotel, New York, New York

The property is teaming up with luxury lingerie brand Agent Provocateur for their Love to Indulge package, which includes a welcome spread of champagne, roses, and chocolate-covered strawberries, dinner for two at the hotel's Jean-Georges restaurant, a "signature gift" from the duo (it's a g-string), and a breakfast of champagne and caviar in bed the next day.

Our Verdict: 9

If the fancy snacks and see-through gift don't do it for you, surely the Frédéric Malle amenities will do the trick, because the only thing sexier than high-end bath products is *free* high-end bath products in adorably tiny packaging.


Hotel Monaco, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

You know your hotel is hip when they're using the ~*LiNgO*~ of the moment, as is the case with Hotel Monaco's 'Flix and Chill package. The bundle includes a loaned Roku Streaming Stick so you can access your personal Netflix account, popcorn, a six-pack of local beer ("chilled" to "satisfy your oral fixations") and 2 p.m. late checkout. Who's ready for some romance?!

Our Verdict: 2

Please do not invite your casual hookup buddy to Netflix & chill at a hotel. Your terrible lack of chill will ruin the arrangement forever. If by some miracle it doesn't, the indignity of having to use your own Netflix accountwill leave both of you cold. C'mon, Hotel Monaco, did you even try to get a login from the manager's college roommate's mom?!

The Temple House, Chengdu, China

It seems Agent Provocateur is getting around this Valentine's Day: The brand is also collaborating with The Temple House for a getaway package, which includes two nights of accommodation, a bottle of Moët & Chandon pink champagne, a signature Agent Provocateur spa treatment for two, and a private lingerie fitting and gift from the AP boutique adjacent to the hotel.

Our Verdict: 8

International travel, luxury hotel, spa treatments, pink champagne instead of the boring yellow stuff, lingerie that costs more than most people's monthly food bill….the odds are ever in your favor. Spring for the business class flights and it's a done deal.

Dream Hotels, New York, New York

The true meaning of love is never settling for less than perfection. And by the transitive property, the true meaning of love is Dream's Bae Your Best package. He can schedule a wax appointment to ensure he's free of unsightly body hair. She'll need a lot more upkeep to be fit even for public viewing, much less coitus, but luckily the bundle makes it easy to book botox, lip injections, and an in-room spray tan to become the Kardashian of his dreams!

Our Verdict: 7 but no one will get off

Once you've primped and plucked and waxed and injected you're unlikely to let all those modifications go to waste, but we'll put good money on both of you lying about finishing and then silently weeping with backs turned to one another as you each contemplate whether your life has meaning. So, you know, it's all kind of a wash.

Pfister Hotel, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Just because Fido got snipped doesn't mean he shouldn't have a shot at a happy and fulfilling love life. The Pfister's Puppy Love package includes a wedding for two dogs complete with wardrobes, a ceremony officiant and marriage certificate for the canines, professional photography, a happy hour with food and drink for 10 people and pups, and a two-night stay in a luxury suite so your furry friends can consummate their marriage.

Our Verdict: 7 for the dogs (depending on spay/neuter status), 1 for the humans

At a mere $3,530, this is a STEAL as far as wedding packages go! But if you're putting this much legwork into your dog's relationship, there's a high probability your own is nonexistent. But don't lose hope: There's a Lady for every Tramp, and with enough hours spent loitering at the dog park and hitting the Dog Fancy meet-up events, you'll find yours soon enough.

Viceroy Central Park, New York, New York

The Paint the Sky Red package from Viceroy kicks off with champagne and an intimate candlelit in-suite dinner with just you, your partner, and four strangers playing string quartet music in the corner. Exercise your creative muscles with a "couples body painting session," then unwind with "Luxurious Bath Time," featuring Diptyque body care products. Later, slip into the complimentary thong and sleep set from Negative Underwear. If you're still underwhelmed, the package also includes a champagne breakfast in bed and a helicopter ride over the city.

Our Verdict: 6

Will it get you laid? Probably. Are there better ways to get some action for less than $11,500 and none of the awkwardness of couples body painting? Almost certainly.

The Old Clare Hotel, Chippendale, New South Wales, Australia

Gents can kick the day off with complimentary barber services so sandpaper stubble doesn't throw a wrench in your V-Day make-out plans, while in-room dinner ensures you don't have to waste a moment putting on real pants. Plus, a staff sexologist is available for private sessions if your relationship is in need of professional attention.

Our Verdict: 5

This is the perfect package for the couple teetering on the edge of complacency! If a clean shave is novel enough to stoke your carnal flame, availing yourselves of the services of a professional sex specialist is probably the right move.

Scrub Island Resort, British Virgin Islands

This $20k package is basically an IRL Hollywood dream sequence. Four nights in a private seaside villa, Dom Pérignon and beluga caviar, swimming with dolphins, spa retreats, multi-course dinners, private island-hopping, private helicopter tours, a freaking butler. Between the over-the-top luxury and the complete lack of interaction with other humans, it's the ideal getaway for a wealthy misanthrope in love.

Our Verdict: 11

Yes. 100%. Doesn't even have to be someone you know, literally just any rando you bump into in the airport will most definitely put out with all of the above on the table. In a pinch, the butler can probably find you a selection of suitable companions to choose from. If not, at least two T+L staffers have expressed interest.

Hotel Monaco, Denver, Colorado

The Do Not Disturb package offers the lovestruck a chance to enjoy their usual movie + snacks + wine routine in a state with legalized marijuana. The deal includes a seasonal menu of aphrodisiac foods, a bottle of wine, and a $20 in-room movie credit.

Our Verdict: 4

This is a case where you choose your own destiny. Play your cards right and watching a movie could morph into "watching a movie"…but poor planning could result in a Valentine's Day spent blazed out of your minds and staring into the middle distance as Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 blares in the background.

We've combed through over eighty Valentine's Day hotel packages and evaluated a select few based on the most important factor: How likely it is to get you laid. Read on for a rigorous assessment of the sexy-time potential.

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